I'm seriously losing my faith here. I talked to one of my friends from school on the bus the other day, and he told me he got really exited from thinking about what we'd do in the future, when we graduate. It got me down, because I don't feel that. When I think of the future, I don't feel exited about my profession at all. Or a bit maybe, but not in that "I wan't to do it every day nine-to-five" kind of way. Is there something wrong with me, am I lacking a feel good-gene or something? All I really see myself doing in the future, as a real profession, is writing, yet I already find it hard to do... so am I a masochist or do I just have ambitions?

A few days ago I was having these same feelings, but somehow I could just go "It doesn't matter, I'm not in a hurry, I will find my own way"... but today I just don't know. My ultimate nightmare is waking up too late, realising what could have been had I only made the right choices...

I do see a pattern here though. Every time I feel like I haven't been able to control my eating, or when I feel I've been putting too little effort into it, I get insecure about everything else as well. But when the whole eating thing is going well (read: I'm hungry and exercise a lot), life feels... easy is a way, simple. Like as long as I have this under control, there is nothing I need to worry about. I WANT, NO I NEED THAT FEELING TO COME BACK.

C A

Morning thoughts

God Im just so tired of the hypocricity of it all. For example, yesterday I was out shopping with some friends, and as it is customary when girls are trying on clothes, they all complained about their bodies and everything that needed to change. You know, "my thighs are too fat", "my stomach isnt toned enough" etc etc. I was the only one that didn't complain. Why? Because I know that even though my body isn't perfect, its getting better all the time, even if some days feel worse than others. Im not perfectly satisfied right now, but thats exactly why Im doing something about it. Its actually like a huge weights been lifted off my shoulders, not needing to feel guilty about eating a say a snickers bar, because I just dont do it.

Afterwards, when they'd all discarded things they thought they looked too fat in and gotten the stuff that made them look skinnier, we decided to take a break and get something to eat. I got a caesar salad while they mostly got pretty unhealthy stuff, fries, burgers and such. Then afterwards, I had to listen to them going on about how they shouldn't have had that meal blah blah, and I just felt so sick of it all.

Dont get me wrong, I love my friends and this isnt me critisizing them, its me critisizing society for the way its makes us behave. It gives us these confusing messages about how to act and how to be: of course, skinny is healthy and sexy,  a round or soft stomach is unnatural. But all the while, theres fast food commercials and such. And the possibly worst thing is the stupid attitude: when we want to treat ourselves or have a relaxing night at home, we go and buy chips and candy and chocolate. But how many times has that actually relaxed you or made you feel more content? Why can't we spoil ourselves with nutricious food? Because society has made us feel that healthy food is dull and doesnt taste half as good as its greasy and sugary counterparts, creating this terrible push and pull motion between healthy but boring and unhealthy but tasty and deliciously sinful.

We need to break this stupid cycle that wont make anybody happy (or thin)!

As a side note, Im trying to take a break from all the food stuff. Im on a liquid diet, you know, those bags that you mix with water and have five a day of? Its supposed to give you all the nutrients you need and a one-day portion contains just over 500 calories. So hopefully, a bit of weight will come off as well.

Im still missing Him like crazy and I think my mind is sort of twisting the whole idea of him, making me dream about doing things when Im with him that would be very bad. But I might still do them...

Frustration

I'm going to have my hair cut and coloured tomorrow, probably going from brown to platinum blonde, I'm just hoping the hairdresser won't say my hair'll fall off because of the chemicals...

There's just something about white that's so fascinating (big surprise, just take a look at the photos here), it's sort of so innocent and clean and pure. And I emphasize here that white is the objective, not the sort of cheap yellowy blonde... I've been looking forward to it tremendously since booking the time, and I'm soo glad it's finally happening tomorrow!

Also, tomorrow's the first day of my Christmas break, but I'm having a hard time even realising it. It's like I had all these plans and now that it's on, I feel a bit paralysed. But now I got the time, I'm going to try and take an aerobics class or a ballet class every day. I really want to be even skinnier when school starts again in five weeks. Why? Because of Him. Oh God I miss him. Just thinking about his face, his body... makes me crazy with longing. But it's complicated, like everything always is with me.

I just want that feeling when I know that I've lost weight since yesterday. It doesn't matter that it's not visible to anyone, it's just knowing that today, I'm a bit skinnier that yesterday, and tomorrow I will be thinner than today. Just knowing that you're on your way to being as light as air...

Cecilia Ann

A new day, an old life

It's snowing outside and the last thing I want to do is go to school, and if it were any other less important day, I wouldnt. Im not really feeling tired, just fed up with stuff that I have to do before Christmas. But only two more days until Christmas break! The thing with going to school is, Im going to see a lot of people I know, but I dont really feel like doing the social thing at all. Is it weird that Id just rather sit at home, drawing or writing?

Another thing: Im trying to give up smoking, which is proving to be sort of harder than I thought. Im not really addicted physically I think, just mentally. Its such a good escape from things, the cigarette is like a safety blanket thats always there no matter how stressful or frustrating things get. God, just writing this makes me want to have a smoke. And the irony of it all is the real reason Im trying to give it up: skin ageing. Yes, not cancer, skin ageing. Oh well, at least Im honest about my vanity... But now I have to catch the bus to school, check back later!

Cecilia Ann

The Need To Be Alone

My first blog faded into nothingness due to an unexistant need to keep a diary where I was trying to be someone else. That's what anorexics do for a large part of the day, isn't it? Trying to be normal, trying to convince everyone that there is nothing wrong, nothing wrong with us. I speak collectively but these thoughts are of course only my opinions. I can feel the pressure other people put on me when they notice things that are generally considered somewhat abnormal, for example, why won't I take a piece of chocolate when somebody offers it to me? It's just one piece of chocolate, isn't it? But to me, it is a piece of so many meanings. Not taking it represents self-respect, self-control, dignity and (even though it sounds narcissistic) a sense of superiority.

Is it wrong to want something so much that everything else becomes secondary? 

I could lie, but I made a promise to myself to be completely honest here, even if it may be shocking sometimes. The truth is, I do not want anything more than I want to be thin. School, friends and hobbies, even though they do mean something to me, are outrun by Ana. Ana is a curious word, used by many anorexics to give a face to the urge they feel to go on making themselves disappear. It is her telling us what's right and what's wrong.

She's both a friend and an enemy. Whenever we manage not to eat, whenever we exercise until we throw up, not to give in to temptation she make us feel strong and powerful. But she pushes us down if we do not listen to her, she is ruthless when it comes to obiding the laws of anorexia.

The thing most people do not understand about this disease is that even though it makes us weak physically, it unleashes a high that is impossible to achieve any other way. It does not come simply from being thin. It's knowing we have this unbelievable self-control, making anything possible, knowing we are capable of something that so many people are not. (I am not saying that everyone secretly wants to have anorexia, just that if they did, they probably couldn't do "what it takes"...)

The thing is, the high seldom last very long, the harshness of everyday life taking it's toll. Those days, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that somewhere in the future there will be another high. The stronger I stay the sooner it will come.

Listening to "Bitter" (even though I'm not) byt This Mortal Coil, one of my all time favourites..

There will probably be an introduction to my life and me in the next posts, I'm still trying to decide how up close and personal I should get...

Until then, remember what you stand for and be proud of it!

- Cecilia Ann