The Need To Be Alone

My first blog faded into nothingness due to an unexistant need to keep a diary where I was trying to be someone else. That's what anorexics do for a large part of the day, isn't it? Trying to be normal, trying to convince everyone that there is nothing wrong, nothing wrong with us. I speak collectively but these thoughts are of course only my opinions. I can feel the pressure other people put on me when they notice things that are generally considered somewhat abnormal, for example, why won't I take a piece of chocolate when somebody offers it to me? It's just one piece of chocolate, isn't it? But to me, it is a piece of so many meanings. Not taking it represents self-respect, self-control, dignity and (even though it sounds narcissistic) a sense of superiority.

Is it wrong to want something so much that everything else becomes secondary? 

I could lie, but I made a promise to myself to be completely honest here, even if it may be shocking sometimes. The truth is, I do not want anything more than I want to be thin. School, friends and hobbies, even though they do mean something to me, are outrun by Ana. Ana is a curious word, used by many anorexics to give a face to the urge they feel to go on making themselves disappear. It is her telling us what's right and what's wrong.

She's both a friend and an enemy. Whenever we manage not to eat, whenever we exercise until we throw up, not to give in to temptation she make us feel strong and powerful. But she pushes us down if we do not listen to her, she is ruthless when it comes to obiding the laws of anorexia.

The thing most people do not understand about this disease is that even though it makes us weak physically, it unleashes a high that is impossible to achieve any other way. It does not come simply from being thin. It's knowing we have this unbelievable self-control, making anything possible, knowing we are capable of something that so many people are not. (I am not saying that everyone secretly wants to have anorexia, just that if they did, they probably couldn't do "what it takes"...)

The thing is, the high seldom last very long, the harshness of everyday life taking it's toll. Those days, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that somewhere in the future there will be another high. The stronger I stay the sooner it will come.

Listening to "Bitter" (even though I'm not) byt This Mortal Coil, one of my all time favourites..

There will probably be an introduction to my life and me in the next posts, I'm still trying to decide how up close and personal I should get...

Until then, remember what you stand for and be proud of it!

- Cecilia Ann